Forgiveness? I don't need no stinkin' forgiveness...

,
I don't need no stinkin' forgiveness...

...or do I?

Do you harbor any resentments, anger, or bitterness toward a person in the past or present? Do you, like me, play back tapes in your head of past injustices, wrongs and misunderstandings? Fred Luskin, in his book, Forgive for Good, asserts that forgiveness is not for the benefit of the other, but for the benefit of self. Luskin turns the traditional notion of forgiveness on its end when he asserts, “Forgiveness is for you and not the offender.”

It is with some trepidation that I read any self-help book. The category seems to imply that something is wrong with me. We don’t need “fixing”. We are already pretty darned good. I delved into Forgive for Good in the spirit of learning something new, and I recommend this mindset for you.

I learned that I do need forgiveness....as a tool in my handy box of responses to happenings in everyday life. As a way to keep myself sane. As a way to remind myself that no one is perfect, and we all act with our own best interests at heart.

Forgiveness is not about waiting for an offender to say, “I’m sorry” (for which I would not want to hold my breath). It is about acknowledging that something was done that hurt you, purposefully or not. To forgive is allowing yourself to make sense of the injustice and to move on. Luskin talks about the forgiveness that we can offer spontaneously, or if not spontaneously, consciously. 


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Luskin explains in detail (sometimes to the extent of actually repeating sentences), the circumstances at play before forgiveness can even be an option. He outlines the creation of a grievance: A grievance makes us feel hurt or angry. These are normal human emotions. Emotions, however, that were meant to be momentary. To carry hurt and anger over a grievance into our future is simply not a healthy strategy. Luskin proposes forgiveness as a method each of us has at our disposal to disengage from a grievance and improve our lives.

He uses the metaphor of circling planes for the grievances in our lives which take up mental energy. It takes so much effort to constantly monitor the circling planes. Then another one shows up, and there is no space for any of them to land. As we forgive grievances we allow those planes which have been circling to land. It is a huge relief. We can reclaim our lives.

Luskin not only describes forgiveness but he has carried out scientific experiments with forgiveness techniques. The book describes his work with victims of violence in Northern Ireland whose lives were devastated after the senseless loss of loved-ones to random acts of cruelty.

On the other side of the coin, he also cites examples of people he worked with who suffered from “smaller” grievances such as not receiving a promotion, having an engagement broken off, or being cheated on by a business partner. His theory is that, regardless of the offense, forgiveness as a technique can be used to free ourselves from debilitating grievances and to land those planes overhead.

The concept that resonated with me personally is that of “unenforceable rules”. Even reading the definition gave me a sense of peace: realizing that I often ask too much from people. When my expectations are not met, I feel bad. The reality is that people do not always (perhaps rarely) behave the way we hope they will. What a freeing acknowledgment.

Luskin uses a brilliant analogy of a highway patrol officer whose patrol car breaks down. He sits on the shoulder watching one speeding car go by after another without being able to do anything about it. He knows he should write tickets; he even gets out the ticket book. But the cars are too fast and he cannot enforce the speed limit. He himself gets more and more upset, despite the fact that at that moment, due to no fault of his own, the rules for speed cannot be enforced.

Like the frustrated highway patrol officer, we fume at the side of the road when our expectations for behaviors in others go unfulfilled. “My wife cannot cheat on me.”  “My company owed me a promotion.” The moment we realize the presence of an unenforceable rule, we are on the path to forgiveness and greater personal peace.

Another metaphor Luskin uses is that of a TV remote control. Thoughts run through our minds moment by moment. If we are consumed by anger, grief, or doubt, we have the choice, Luskin asserts, to change the channel...to switch from the bitterness channel to the gratitude channel. Instead of thinking about the fiance who jilted you, thinking about a loyal best friend or the majesty of a redwood tree. He suggests we “...tune in to the Bug Sur channel...what we watch on our mental TV is a choice.

Forgive for Good is a smooth read. The author explains his concepts thoroughly, often repeating the same points using different examples. Many self-help books have exercises at the end of each chapter, and it was refreshing that Forgive for Good  does not rely on lists or filling out worksheets. A complete read-through was enough for me to benefit.

For those who enjoy acronyms and structured exercises, Luskin does provide specific techniques. He lays out the PERT technique and the HEAL method.

PERT: Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique
The PERT technique uses our breathing to focus thoughts on positive things: beauty, gratitude, and love. It is recommended when immediate help is needed, in situations when we remember or experience a grievance.

HEAL: Hope, Educate, Affirm, Long Term
The HEAL method is used for deeper hurts and promotes longer-term healing. Luskin spends two chapters outlining the HEAL method.

We all have control over out thoughts moment by moment. We can focus on grievance, hurt, and anger, or we can focus on gratitude, love, and forgiveness. Luskin reminds us that the choice is ours. “When we focus on our blessings, we tend to feel happier.” With Forgive for Good, Luskin gives us a gift: the understanding and techniques to improve our lives with forgiveness. 
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